Three months after we left the Special Care Nursery, last week I finally ran into a brick wall, emotionally. Perversely, I think it is because the weather improved. All winter I complained about being stuck indoors due to the rain, but now the sun has come out I still can’t stop feeling fragile and anxious, to the point where some days I don’t want to go out, or do things I used to enjoy. And last Tuesday when my appointment to see the child health nurse was unexpectedly cancelled, I just sat on the sofa and cried.
It makes no sense, but all my emotional resilience just seems to have gone out the window. Although it was stressful, tiring and frustrating during Talia’s hospital stay, I just focused on the positive things and “soldiered on”. Taking her home opened up a range of new challenges, but they are what any new parent has to deal with. Mostly I think I am doing OK – but some days I am finding the hole just seems to be bigger than the doughnut.
We do have some issues. Talia is difficult to settle, often screaming and hardly sleeping during the day, which means both of us are cranky and frazzled by evening. I feed her on demand but she remains very small, even for her corrected age. She looks healthy but has only gained 1kg in the three months since she was discharged from hospital. This has been causing me a huge amount of worry, and last week it reached the point where I was clearly showing some of the symptoms of postnatal depression.
The NICU staff told me that mothers of prems are more likely than mothers of full term babies to suffer from postnatal depression (PND). My own mother suffered terribly from PND and I really don’t want to go there.
I hate to admit it, but I couldn’t stop crying as I phoned the hospital last week and asked to speak to someone about getting some help. I felt like a failure, even though I know it is not my fault. I also went through quite a few tissues while talking to my GP a few days later, but now I feel a sense of relief that, even if I don’t feel in control of things, I don’t have to try and cope with it all on my own.
—
I found the following websites helpful in learning more about PND
[...] monitors and alarms. I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is Post Traumatic Stress, “just” depression or something else entirely. Maybe this is one of those lovely “normal” things that NICU [...]